Stuck

My principal likes to say this a lot.

I like it.

Image Credit.

Growth. It's hard.

One of my friends, after a lifetime of fluffiness, decided to start CrossFit a few years ago. He never looked back.

At the beginning of his journey, we'd walk through our campus halls - me at my normal breakneck speed - and him stumbling behind like a Thriller zombie, weakly moaning, "Waaaaiiiiit uuuuup." His muscles were screaming.

Now that it's been a few years, he still feels that same familiar burn sometimes. But he's able to lift more, flip bigger tires, (😉) and go harder. He understands that physical pain is necessary, and it's become his warrior badge.

Full Disclosure Part I: Since my friend is swole now, I sometimes call upon him to lift heavy things for me at school, even if I *can* do it myself. Whew. It feels good to get that off my chest.

Full Disclosure Part II: I know he will hate this picture because of the tire flipping CrossFit trope. If you're reading this, Friend, know that I put this here to LOL at your displeasure. 😄

Photo Credit.

In some ways, I envy these tangible expressions of growth. Work → Strength. It's visible.  

It's been about two years since I began to (re)discover my Korean adoptee identity, but I still feel the burn sometimes. 

▷     Feeling so frustrated with my mental block when studying Korean. (WHY CAN'T I JUST REMEMBER THE WORDS???) 

▷     Talking to another reunited KAD and recounting the discovery that I was named at birth by my halabohjee instead of by some rando social worker. 

▷     Watching YouTube videos of adopted children's grief being acknowledged by their adoptive parents. 

▷     Understanding this KAD's post-reunion feelings.

▷     Trying to be empathetic when Omma doesn't respond to repeated invitations to spend time together. 

The cuts reopen. Again and again.

They are fresh. Again and again.

I wonder when they will stop.

I wish they would stop.

I want them to heal.

Worf nailed it.

GIF Credit.

But similar to my CrossFit-lovin' friend's muscley arms, there is evidence of growth. The differences between Me A Few Years Ago and Me Now are big. The differences stem from courage. The differences feel good.

▷    My Facebook feed has become pretty KAD-saturated.
▷    I have actual relationships with actual Korean people.
▷    I have actual relationships with actual Korean adoptees.
▷    I can go to the Korean grocery store without feeling embarrassed.
▷    I can "read" (well, sound-out is more accurate) and write basic Hangeul.
▷    My son regularly says, "Gam*sah*hap*nee*dah," to his Taekwondo instructors. (I swear, anytime he does anything remotely Korean I look like this.)
▷    My son regularly sees Korean faces that aren't mine.
▷    I cook and eat Korean food.
▷    I have words like grief and trauma integrated into my vocabulary to describe this journey.
▷    I identify as an adoptee instead of describing my adoption as "this thing that happened to me." (KAD author, Alice Stephens put it best here.)



And oh yeah, I went to Korea. Guess that one's pretty important. (LOL)

In Bukchon Hanok Village last summer.

My friend has expressed frustration at hitting plateaus in his fitness journey. He's felt stuck. But he keeps on keeping on, adding more weights, running longer distances, and figuring out ways to do more. I guess I have to learn how to add more KAD weights.

Is there a time when you knew you had things figured out? When you realized, "Oh yeah, seems like I'm done with that, now." What was the growth process like? Did you ever feel as if it was done, but then it crept back in? When you felt stuck, how'd you get out?

The struggles. They Sneak Attack.

(This GIF's from Kim's Convenience, my favorite Canadian show about a Korean immigrant family. Even if you have 0 interest in Korean stuff, it's basically a family drama cleverly concealed as a sitcom. Their family ties, friendships, and heartaches give me a glimpse of what may have been.

Available on Netflix and Amazon Prime Video.

My husband and I have integrated Sneak Attack into our regular vocabulary and it's glorious.)

GIF Credit.