A Korean Adoptee Reads

When I was 17, I got pneumonia. It was for the most part, not altogether awful. Besides having a persistent cough, there weren't any other symptoms that were too terrible. No fever or aches, but I did experience super low energy and very little appetite.

While I've always been a reader, during those two weeks I read more than I ever had in one sitting. And I loved it. I read Stephen King's The Stand, which, to date, is probably the longest book I've ever read. 

Lately, I've been delving into more books that support my growth and understanding of my identity as a Korean adoptee. This isn't an exhaustive list - quite the contrary. But, they've definitely helped.

So, if you're a Korean adoptee, or if you know a KAD who is wading through the muddy waters of identity-seeking, here's my take on a few books I've found helpful. (This isn't in any kind of order, just as they come to mind.)

1. All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung

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Chung, a professional writer by trade, recounts her "color-blind" American family's approach to parenting with a voice I found both familiar and comforting. I saw so many snippets of my own life reflected in her words. Like me, Chung was compelled to begin her birth family search because of her biological child's pending birth. While there are many facets of our lives that don't converge, we shared enough similarities that I felt a strong kinship with Chung to the very last page.*

*. . . and when I finished, I had to Facebook message Chung to express my appreciation. She replied. I fangirled. It was glorious.  

2. A Single Square Picture by Katy Robinson

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Long before social media would connect me to my KAD brothers and sisters, this book did. It's the very first KAD memoir I ever read, and Robinson's the very first KAD I ever "talked to." Robinson's history and my own don't intertwine much (she was adopted at seven, so she has memories of Korea and her birth family) but it did inform my understanding of our divergent KAD journeys. It also gave me the hope that one day I, too, could be brave enough to return to Korea and initiate a birth family search. 

3. Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

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This. 

Book.

If you're a reader, you've probably heard of Pachinko, as it's recently received so much critical acclaim. If you're a KAD in the process of discovering our birth nation's history, cultural principals, our han, this novel will nourish your soul. A sweeping 20th century family drama following the course of the principal character Sunja's life, Pachinko is at its heart a story of strength, sacrifice, and human foibles. 

The more I learn about Korean history, the more it shapes my understanding of my birth family's (and by extension, my own) circumstances. When I met my omma last summer, she described Korea in the late 70s as ". . . just. . . terrible." While today's Korea is famous for Samsung, K-Pop, and skincare, the Korea that I (and thousands of other adoptees) were born into was a very different place. Foreign occupation, military conflicts, and economic hardship left the nation beat-up and bruised. But not broken. 

Pachinko gave me the gift of pride - the realization that I am of a people who, for all their missteps, simply do not give up.

4. Mixed Korean: Our Stories (an Anthology)

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Full disclosure: I have not finished this book. 

Simply put, some of the stories were just so painful that I difficulty getting through them. 

When children have a choice between starvation with Omma or a full tummy without Omma, they will always choose the former. One KAD recounts regularly foraging in the mountains for grasshoppers, which were then grilled over a flame before consumption. On rare and special occasions, his omma gave him an egg. He loved his omma so very much. His grief over their subsequent separation was palpable. 

My own grief is something I'm currently trying to figure out. Maybe one day I'll pick this book up again. 

5. I Wish For You a Beautiful Life - Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children edited by Sara Dorow 

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I read this one waaaaay back. In these letters from the Korean birth mothers of Ae Ran Won, (a Korean birth mothers' home) the overarching emotions expressed to their KAD children are longing, reassurance, and guilt. They want us to know that we are loved, they made difficult and painful choices, and they continue to suffer for them. 

Perhaps it was instinct - I never really felt a strong affinity for this book. While at the time, I wanted to understand my faceless birth mother's choice, (which I would later learn was a lie) I found it difficult to contextualize these birth mothers' decisions to let us go.

Last summer, I understood the context when I had the opportunity to meet the founder of Ae Ran Won. A former Holt social worker, she wanted to create a safe haven for birth mothers. The stories she told were of birth mothers who were victims of abuse, poverty, and Korean mores. Their stories were so much richer than I remembered from this book. 

6. Famous Adopted People by Alice Stephens

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Ummmmm. . . . Whhhhhaaaaaaaat. . . ? I had several of these moments while reading this novel.

Don't get me wrong - Stephens's prose is glorious. In one instance, the protagonist (an aspiring writer) describes the artful process of creating a sentence. It's worked and reworked, and at some point it's done - that is, until you look at it under a different light and discover new flaws. It felt really good to 100% GET THIS. 

But just getting to the point of tolerating Lisa, the KAD protagonist, was a journey. "Homegirl Done Screwed Up" or "WTF Lisa?" would have been appropriate titles for many chapters. 

Eventually, I did empathize with poor, messed up Lisa, considering that her KAD status was (at least, in part) responsible for her terrible decisions. 

I couldn't have more love for author, Alice Stephens. Have you ever read something and felt that the author plucked it right out of your own mind? After reading Stephens's NPR NewsHour essay on how adoptees are the ". . . subject of our own adoption stories, not the object," I Facebook messaged her right away. 

Did I fangirl* when she responded? 

Does a bear poop in the woods?

Other titles I hope to read soon are:

That's a baby's face, not a clitoris.

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You know what? If you think that's a clitoris, go right on ahead. Who am I to say? You do you, Boo.

I've heard good things from other KADs about The Primal Wound. I'm interested in learning about the psychological aspects of post adoption trauma and how it shapes the way we navigate our lives. 

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In various KAD Facebook groups, Peterson speaks with the authority of wisdom. I've always admired how deftly he maneuvers through the treacherous minefield of i n t e r n e t war zones conversations. 

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About a year ago, I did a 23 and Me DNA test.** I discovered that Thomas Park Clement and I are 5th - 6th cousins. After seeing his name in many KAD Facebook conversations, I learned that he's kind of a rock star in our circles. A first wave adoptee, Clement has adeptly handled innumerable obstacles with grace and persistence and continues to do so. 

** KADs - Through his company, Mectra Laboratories, Thomas Park Clement has pledged to donate $1 million for free DNA kits for KADs and Korean War veterans. If you're a KAD who'd like to get your free DNA kit, go to Facebook, and search for the group: Korean American Adoptees. Learn more about Clement's donation and birth family reunions via DNA here. 

"I like to think the meaning of life is to find your gift, and the purpose of life is to give it away." - Thomas Park Clement

I'm hopeful that by reading my KAD brothers and sisters' stories, I can find my own.